The BOLD (A Tale of Two Gems)
Two precious gems-pearls and amber. What can they teach us about protection, comfort, and hiding? When we examine the stories that we tell ourselves, we can discover whether we are hiding behind layers of pretty language or framing our experiences to inspire action.
The Whisper (Get the Nacre)
When I was born, my grandmother started a string of pearls for me. As I grew, she added to the strand. The jeweler would slide on the perfect, small spheres, knotting the silk between each one. At least once a week, I would open the bi-fold top of the elegant box and marvel at their shine. I wore the completed strand at my wedding.
On one of the pearls, you can see the tiny fleck grit that was used to seed the pearl and I still marvel that these precious droplets were the result of irritation.
My mother inherited a string of amber beads that harbor a poor, hapless ancient bug in the depths of one of the gems. She keeps that strand in the safe deposit box. The bug is encapsulated once by the amber and again by the stern steel walls of the bank safe.
Both of these naturally occurring gems resulted not from the movement of continents and the application of volcanic flame. No, they are created by living things who generated a material that layers over irritations and prevents damage.
The oyster receives a piece of grit and begins to lay down layer upon layer of iridescent, smooth nacre to create a barrier between the jagged edges of the intrusion and the soft flesh of the animal.
Amber is the fossilized remains of resin, a substance that conifer trees produce to heal from the damage inflicted by insects.
Pearls of Wisdom
What, then, do we produce to encapsulate the threats that would harm us? Words. We use words to create concepts to soothe us, to distance us from uncomfortable realities, to ease suffering.
How many euphemisms are there for death? The person is said to have passed, to have crossed over, to have jumped from the mortal coil. (For a more complete list of ways to refer to death, see John Cleese in the admittedly irreverent Pet Shop Sketch)
The tendency to package unfortunate and unpleasant experiences into tidy, shiny packages of words serves to bring relief in trying times. It can help us reframe a challenge into an adventure. It can also, however, distance us from the work that is necessary to survive and then grow from the effort and the meaning-making.
Let’s look, then, at helpful pearls and harmful amber. When do you enjoy the smooth surface of an idea and when do you cut into the center to encounter and deal with a raw concept
Helpful Pearls
We use words to save energy. It would be exhausting to encounter every situation as though for the first time. We create impressions, derive meaning and learn lessons from experiences so that we have a shorthand for our operating system to handle similar situations in the future.
Helpful pearls, then, are the habits of thought that serve our highest purpose and smooth our path. An example would be the discussion in the article The Verb Update about up-leveling your verbs to reinforce your awareness of your choices.
Words used to change an experience for the better and to point our attention to what is more beneficial, more inspiring and more creative layer our challenges with a soothing, smoothing layer of mental nacre. These are the helpful pearls.
Harmful Amber
Harmful amber, then, is language used to avoid growth or movement. If we are using language to build a story that allows us to ignore a challenge or opportunity that we would be stronger for pursuing, we are paralyzing our opportunities in amber. The problem does not go away and it may grow because we are ignoring it.
Like the bug suspended in tree resin, that problem is just waiting for its chance to escape and do damage (for details, see Jurassic Park).
When To Smooth and When to Dig
How do you know which is which? You can perform a language audit and ask yourself the following questions to begin to discover the use to which you are putting your words.
Think about a story you told yourself recently about a challenging situation.
The story might involve the way you are describing the motivation of your personal trainer (I’m sorry, Anthony, for anything I might have said or thought about you out of earshot.). It might be the story of a new responsibility at work, a conversation with a spouse, an encounter with the tech support people, or the behavior of another driver on the road. It might be as substantial as a life-changing decision you need to make about a geographic or career change. It might be as every day as the choices you made at your last meal. Now, think about the words you chose, the tone in which they were said (or thought) and the feelings that accompanied that story.
The Emotional Weight: How did you feel at the end of the story? Were you inspired, soothed, calm, energized or happy? Were you exhausted, anxious, restless, numb or angry? The emotions that the story elicit give you a clue about the use to which you are putting the story. Are you simply rehearsing a negative and self-serving version of the story? Are you framing the story in a way that inspires you to action?
Word Choice: Are the words in your story the kind that make excuses or the kind that demand action?
Preparedness: If the story seems to be more amber than pearl, is it time to tackle the unpleasant reality that the story is smoothing over? Are you ready? What support will you need, what resources are necessary to face the raw concept hidden in the story?
Language for Good
By using our storytelling imagination to craft narratives that inspire without glossing over needed opportunities for growth, we can string together experiences that move us towards our boldest life.
What did you discover when you examined your own story? I’d love to hear about your insights.
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