Flexible Focus: Setting Goals That Bend Before They Break

The BOLD (Set Goals That Allow for the Unknown)

Often, we find that our goals shatter and disappear when the unforeseen resistance or challenge arises. We set out with good intentions but we may be setting ourselves up for failure. It is possible to set goals that are more inquiry than marching orders. It is possible to set resilient goals.

The Whisper (Don’t Be Brittle)

Setting Goals  

We set goals to define what we want and to inspire the action that will get us there.  It is important, then, to set goals well.  A brittle goal is easily broken.  This happens when the commitments that we make that are so overreaching and unrealistic that they break the first time we fail to keep the letter of their laws.

For instance, the first time we just have to have that hot fudge sundae.  This decision results in a three-day binge because, “Hey, we already broke the diet.”

Or, perhaps, the first time we skip a day of meditation because we want to sleep in on a Saturday and now we are convinced that mindfulness is just, “Not my thing.”

Why does this happen?  It happens because we set brittle goals.  

A Brittle goal:  

• comes from perfectionism. When we set goals that must be adhered to perfectly, chances are we are not taking into account the challenges that might arise or the conditions under which we will be performing the steps that are intended to move us closer to our goal
• Is all or nothing. A goal has terms of satisfaction that describe the way in which we will know that we have succeeded.  Have we left room for a range of desired outcomes? “Nothing short of all” goals are often doomed to failure. We achieve more than we would have but we do not feel satisfied. 
• dictates outcomes and process with equal specificity.  How can we know what we will discover and learn on the path to our goal?  If we set out with both a vision of our outcome AND a rigid focus on just one process for achieving it, we are building a goal that is rigid and inflexible.  Rigid, inflexible things break when pressure is applied

Flexible Focus:

How, then, can we set goals that are resilient enough to bend before they break?  The answer lies in having a flexible focus.  When we focus on an idea, a behavior, a habit or a desired outcome, we are enlisting our brain to use its power to assist us.  A flexible focus allows us to:

• find what we need. especially when it is hidden in plain sight .  Focus allows us to shine the beam of our attention on our possibilities to discover new allies and new resources that get us closer to our goa
• learn from experiments rather than grind towards goals.  Instead of demanding an outcome or dictating a process, we can ask a question.  For instance, we might set a goal that says, “I will exercise for 30 minutes every day for the next 90 days.”  This is brittle because it demands a consistent daily action that may be difficult to perform without fail, particularly if we are unaccustomed to such a rigorous schedule of exercise.  An experimental, question-based inquiry might be, “I will ask myself each day for 90 days,’What movement can I incorporate into my day today?”  
• be open to arriving in a different way than we anticipated.   In order to move forward, it is usually best to dictate either the desired outcome or the chosen process, but not both.  When we try to demand that we reach a destination in one, very specific way, we are probably setting ourselves up for failure.  This is particularly tragic since we wouldn’t have been envisioning outcomes and setting up processes if we hadn’t been dreaming of success in the first place.  By being open to learning as we go and adapting our approach to what develops, we can discover even more elegant ways to achieve what we want.

Resilient Goals

It is possible to set goals that are more an experiment than a prescription.  It is possible to set out to learn all there is to learn without shackling ourselves to a narrow list of what is acceptable.  It is possible to set goals that are infused with self-compassion and room for error.  It is possible to enjoy the journey and to revel in the outcome.  Set resilient, bendable goals that are more focused on the way the outcome will look and feel than how the process must unfold.