The BOLD (Bring on All the Feels)
How are you feeling? As I sit here typing this I am feeling happy to have the opportunity to share, a little frustrated that I didn’t get this written sooner and a tiny touch of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) about the TV show I can hear my husband watching.
Our emotions are present all the time. Sometimes they persist and sometimes they cycle like the flashing of Vegas neon. Understanding our emotions is critical for determining and fostering the best state from which to make decisions.
The key is accessing emotional wisdom to shift our perspective.
The Whisper (Really Feel It)
Big boys don’t cry. Never let them see you sweat. Suck it up and walk it off.
We receive a lot of messages that we should control, suppress or ignore our emotions. The problem is that we are never without our emotions and they have a deep impact on the way we understand our situation and the way we determine our best action.
Julio Olalla, the founder of my coaching alma mater Newfield Network, teaches that emotions create a predisposition to act. We cherry-pick the details that support the view we see through the lens installed by our emotions. When we are happy, we pay attention to the evidence that we already have what we need and to look for ways to enjoy the moment. We will be inclined to easy movement. If anger is present, we are more likely to look for ways to punish or avenge. Our energy is probably going to be quick and reactionary.
Knowing our emotional state is critical for understanding how, in the moment, we are perceiving our possibilities.
How Do I Know What I’m Feeling?
The first job, then, is to become more attuned to our emotions. We know how we are feeling first through the sensations we feel.
Recall a time when you felt a particular identifiable emotion. It might be sadness, anger, happiness, fear or excitement. How did you know that you felt that emotion? Probably, your first answer included details about the situation that provoked the emotion.
“I was angry because xyz person did xyz thing.”
“I was happy because xyz had happened.”
While the stimulus did provoke a response, it is not how we knew we felt the way we did. Our body presented symptoms that helped our brains understand our response.
When you were angry, did you feel a tightening around your jaw? Did your stomach respond? What muscles tightened?
When you were happy, did you head feel floaty? Did your shoulders relax?
There are some responses that are probably common to most of us. There may be responses that are individual or maybe even genetic.
In my family, our noses tingle when we are anticipating an exciting event. On Christmas morning, when we had to wait for my parents to sufficiently awaken, to take the photos of the loot and to call us in for the grand reveal, my brother and I suffered very tingly noses. That is probably a genetic inheritance (and perhaps a little weird, but hey, that’s what makes the world go round).
By noticing how we know, we can begin to create the awareness that will help us identify the emotion that is driving our perspective and influencing our response.
How Can I Create the Right Emotional State?
What is the right emotion for the decision in front of us? That depends very much on how fast we need to respond, how critical the decision is and how well we want to decide. The question also assumes that there is a correct emotion for each situation. It is more important to be aware of the influence of the emotion you are feeling than to worry that it is the wrong emotion. By identifying it, you create space to make choices about how you will respond—under the influence of a powerful but appropriate emotion or with gratitude for the emotion but independent of its influence.
How, then, do we foster emotional states that support the decisions we would like to make?
In researching this article, I was amused to find conflicting advice and opinions. I found references to studies that said that emotions should be ignored if you want to make good decisions.
I found references to studies that said to trust your gut and allow the emotions to inform your decisions.
What is one to conclude? Well, emotions are present all the time. They come from complex systems designed to help us process, understand and respond to the opportunities and challenges with which we are presented. Our emotions are there to help protect us, though they don’t always do so.
Emotions are designed to bring insight and information and then to be released.
It might be as simple as asking yourself a question or two.
If you would like to access your emotion to shift your perspective, it might be helpful to try this:
An Exercise to Clarify Emotion
Acknowledge the decision: How would you rephrase your decision into a question? What are the parameters of the decision? Do you have time or resource constraints? Who is involved in and might be impacted by the decision? Determine your emotional state: Ask yourself, “What do I feel about this?” Listen to the answer. Then go deeper: Ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Check in with your body. What do you notice? What evidence can you find of emotion? Consider the emotion and the action it provokes. What is the emotional input of feeling the way you feel? Notice any inclination for action that the emotion is provoking.
Decide how you will decide: Determine if this is the frame from which you want to make your decision. You can shift your physical state to help to release tension and signal your decision to shift your emotion. Sit up taller, soften your shoulders, roll your head. Release the emotion: Remember, emotions visit, deliver their wisdom and insight and then they can be released. With practice, you can learn to access an array of emotions and then release them before they become a persistent mood.
Because our emotions are designed to help us respond in the flow of our experience, it can take some practice to be able to access this much choice in the moment. Start small. If you are deciding between a walk in the park or a Netflix binge, check in with your emotions to see what might be driving your decision. Over time these small situation practices can help to install new muscle memory for the faster-paced, more emotionally charged decisions.
Have you experienced a shift in emotion that opened up a new perspective? I’d love to hear from you. Have a question—feel free to post that as well.
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