The BOLD (I Think We Need to Talk)
How are you at receiving and implementing feedback? It can be nerve-wracking to move from wondering what others are thinking about your performance to learning it directly.
Feedback is a powerful tool for self-development. It is it’s very power that can make it a more potent cure than we prefer.
There are ways to ask for feedback that increases the likelihood that you will receive information that you can hear, can consider and that, if implemented, can help.
The Whisper (Phone a Friend)
There is a reason that many leadership coaching engagements begin with the 360 evaluation. In a 360, many of the people around the individual are given an opportunity to provide feedback from their perspective.
You probably know what your boss thinks because you’re recording that information on a regular basis. You have quarterly reviews perhaps.
But what does the person at the desk adjacent to yours think? What is your spouse think? What is your dog think? It can be difficult to ask for real feedback.
It’s frightening to think that those around us may be harboring secret grudges or concerns. Some of them may be. However, many of the people with whom you regularly interact are prepared to deliver positive comments.
This feedback requires a certain degree of courage. There are ways to soften the blow.
Ask for Advice to Access Indirect Feedback
Let’s say that you want to improve your record of arriving on time. If you ask your friends to tell you what you’re doing wrong, you’re opening yourself up to some potentially hurtful versions of help. However, if you went to the friends you have who are particularly punctual and ask them what they do to be punctual, they will tell you. And the trick is they will probably tell you the information they think you were lacking.
For instance, your friend Lulu is always on time. She usually arrives a few minutes early and is the one greeting everyone at the door. Lulu knows you very well. She’s been with you when you’ve been late and it’s almost killed her.
You ask her, “I really appreciate the way that you were always punctual. It’s something I’d like to work on. Do you have any tips or tricks that help you to be on time?”
“Yes, thank you.” she responds. “I do have some things that help me. I pack up my last task and take it with me. That way if I get earlier early I can work on that and not feel like I’ve wasted time.”
You see, Lulu will have noticed that your tendency to do oh-just-one-more-thing before you leave is probably what is tripping you up.
She could be right.
She could be wrong.
But notice, she didn’t tell you directly what you’re doing wrong. She just gave you tailored information that hints at something you don’t know that you don’t know.
Frame You Question to Guide the Form of the Answer
When you ask anyone, including your own brain, “What’s wrong with me?” you are prompting a direct and negative response. Think about it. Any positive feedback will be eliminated by the requirement to focus on only what is wrong.
The way that you ask the question may help to prompt helpful, constructive comments rather than a litany of everything you’ve ever done wrong and the character flaws that made those mistakes inevitable.
Let’s look at another example. If you are concerned that you are not speaking up enough in conversations or meetings, you can seek the perspective of a friend who knows you well and who has seen you in action.
“I’ve been thinking about the meeting on Monday,” you muse. “I’m not sure that I’m speaking up enough. I really want to be considered for a promotion next spring and I have a feeling that these meetings are like mini-auditions. You were there. Did you see any opportunities to participate that I missed?”
This is more likely to initiate a conversation where concrete suggestions and constructive observations flow.
The Who and the How
It is important, then, to think about the who and the how when we seek feedback. By seeking the opinion of trusted advisors and experts, we can ensure that the information we receive is beneficial. By framing our question to elicit a constructive response, we can encourage a more useful and, we hope, more palatable answer.
What would you be willing to learn about yourself and how are you going to set out to learn it?
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