…you think you aren’t one.
THE BOLD (Give it, and Yourself, a Rest):
For many of us, the very characteristic we secretly nurture is the very characteristic that keeps us from enjoying the order, control, progress, and prestige we crave. Perfectionism is a seductive poison.
The Whisper (Perfectionism is Far from Perfect):
If you conducted a survey and asked the citizen on the street to describe a perfectionist, I suspect you would hear negative characteristics like demanding, rigid, cold and unreasonable. However, you might also hear words of grudging admiration like precise, efficient and organized.
When asked to visualize a perfectionist, your survey participants might conjure up an image of a 1950’s housewife in heels and pearls vacuuming her immaculate living room. Or they might imagine a man with painfully precise pleats in his pants
folding his
sweaters using a ruler so that the stacks in his closet stand with military precision in perfect rows.
Without fail, though, I think your survey would reveal one very important definition of a perfectionist. A perfectionist is almost always someone else. We use the word to describe a state, a mindset, a lifestyle so lofty that we know we can’t attain it, no matter how much we secretly desire it. We use the word to distance ourselves from those we feel are doing and having what we know we cannot do or have. And when we do that, we are being perfectionists.
Are you sabotaging yourself with perfectionism? Consider the following perfection characteristics:
- Perfectionism leads us to all or nothing thinking. “I’ll wait to send that gift to Aunt Hortense until I have the time to wrap it right.” Even if we don’t use the word “perfect”, we often send a message of “perfection only, please” to ourselves. Wouldn’t Aunt Hortense prefer a timely, thoughtful gift wrapped in newsprint to one that comes two months late wrapped in elegant ribbons? Or to one that never comes at all?
- Perfectionism often leads us to focus more on what we have to lose than what we have to gain In other words, perfectionism is about fear. If we do this without the proper preparation or effort, me might fail. If we don’t do this task just right, it won’t be…perfect.
- Perfectionism leads us to set unreasonable standards This seems self-evident, right? Think beyond the obvious, though. Any time we set a standard for ourself that is unattainable, we are setting ourselves up for failure. The pursuit of perfection leads not to perfection, but to failure.
- Perfectionism damages our relationships If we are willing to live under the shadow of expectations that are impossible for us, we are probably willing to extend that shadow over the other people in our lives.
- Perfectionism causes us to focus on results, not effort It isn’t important where the message came from. In school, you learned to ask “Is this going to be on the test?” so that your efforts would ultimately impact your grades (results). At home, your parents might have judged your success only by outcomes–a clean room, a finished chore. Your coach may have said, “Winning isn’t everything” but his obvious enthusiasm for a winning season undermined his words. Yes, results are important. Yes, we should set goals and have the end in mind when we set out. But if our attention is entirely fixed on the finish line, we lose the joy of much of the journey. And we run the risk of not being able to adapt to changes in the course.
Perfectionism is destructive because perfection is unattainable. It is that simple, and yet that complicated. Many people desire a peaceful, simple, efficient and productive life. In a perfection mindset, these targets are attached to unattainable goals loaded with unreasonable expectations and punishing self-recrimination.
How should we frame our goals, then? Here is the good news: If we discard perfectionism, we open up space to embrace achievement, satisfaction, curiosity, creativity, exploration and joy. Our desired outcomes may remain the same, but our new healthy expectations set us up for success.
How would that shift in mindset look? For instance:
- I desire a peaceful home. Perfectionism would have you clipping advertisements from catalogs that show living rooms without clutter. These living rooms also lack pets, remote controls, family photos, favorite magazines, toys, TV’s and all the other items your family uses, enjoys and cherishes. Or you covet the closet you saw in the advertising circular. Did you notice that that closet had three sweaters, two pair of slacks and four blouses in it? How many pieces of clothing do you own? Even if you pared it down to only the items you truly love, I suspect you would have more than nine–and you will need some shoes. An achievement mindset might prompt you to concentrate on creating a home that accommodates all the things your family loves while eliminating unnecessary clutter. You can create a space that lives and breathes with your family. Store window displays, catalogs and ads on TV are all very pretty, but you can’t live in them!
- I’d like to get into good shape. Perfectionism would demand a rigorous workout routine to achieve the perfect body. Perfectionism insists that there is such a thing as a perfect body. Consequently, every dip and wrinkle in the “wrong” place is viewed with impatience and disdain. Perfectionism even seems to suggest that there is an end–once perfection is reached, exercise can cease. Exploration, however, might lead us to try new activities to enjoy. Achievement might lead us to set goals and decide to measure success with an oxygen rich jog up five flights of stairs or even up to Machu Pichu. Joy might lead us to celebrate the health be nurture and maintain with movement.
While perfectionism demands performance without fail to an unyielding, unattainable standard, exploration and achievement allow for play, experimentation, grace, ease and enjoyment. It is simply an additional benefit to discover that discarding perfectionism can allow us to reach much closer to perfection, and to enjoy the journey.
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