The BOLD | Everyone is Ahead of You..Maybe
As very human beings, we are very bad at estimating other people’s happiness and success. This introduces risk and presents opportunities. As we scan those around us and calculate our relative position (social position, professional rank, reputation, power) we should remember that there are studies that suggest that we are probably drawing flawed conclusions.
This response is old wiring. Tracking our position relative to others was a survival skill for our ancestors. But that instinct misfires constantly now, leading us to chronically misjudge both how others feel and how well they’re actually doing.
In encounters that leave us feeling intimidated, behind, or less than, we have a choice. We can give in to the intimidation and become defensive. Or we can choose to be generous in our excitement for others and engage our curiosity to discover what we can learn.
Intimidation, then, becomes an opportunity for connection and the inspiration for growth. We can choose envy or inspiration.
The Whisper | They’re All Just Making It Up As They Go Along
A Story About the Table
The waiter brought their order and set the coffee cups on the low table. Analise took advantage of the commotion to study her companions.
Henry, with his tidy clothes and almost too relaxed smile, was the director of a local non-profit that served children with learning challenges. Analise had met him at a fundraising dinner for another organization that he had helmed a few years back.
Across from him, Charlotte made room for her coffee by sliding her phone off the table. When they had been at college together, Charlotte had excelled at everything. After graduation, she had rolled neatly through a series of ever more responsible positions and now found herself the CTO of a start-up currently racking up venture capital.
“Well,” Henry said, turning his cup to catch the handle, “that’s what I thought was so strange. They said that they were going to fund the new project, but I’ve heard nothing from the CEO since then. He’s not taking my calls.”
Charlotte chuffed, a puffing sound of judgement, dismissal and frustration, and then said smoothly, “You know the promise isn’t real until the check is cut, signed, and delivered.”
Henry studied her a moment, leaned back in his seat and reminded her, “For instance, the check you wrote. Thank you for that,“ he grinned, “We have another source for the project. This has been a banner year for fundraising for us. I just prefer smooth to bumpy. And this guy is making it bumpy.”
Charlotte turned to Analise, “Enough about Venture capital and fundraising. What’s going on with you?”
______
Here, this story could go one of two ways. Analise could lean forward, smile broadly, and announce her recent successes, sure that her companions would celebrate her wins with her. Or, she could shrink back and respond evasively, uncertain and maybe even a touch ashamed.
On our best day, we stand shoulder to shoulder with our peers and enjoy a sense of accomplishment that, we believe, earns us a seat at the table.
On those other days, we second-guess ourselves and assume that those around us are happier, more successful, and more competent. Research backs up this phenomenon. We are creatures of comparison, for good or ill.
Our continuous tabulation of our relative position is inherited from thousands of ancestors who honed this skill to ensure survival. Read-the-room skills designed to determine social position ensured their position and survival. They were included in the hunt, consulted about big group decisions, protected, and provided for.
What happens, though, when our estimation is faulty and self-punishing? We lose confidence, exude unease, and step away from spaces where our contributions are needed and welcome.
What the Research Suggests About Our Habits of Comparison
We underestimate others’ negative emotions and overestimate their positive ones
We are very poor judges of the emotional life of others.
Research published in 2011, which has been getting renewed attention, found that most people have a tendency to underestimate other people’s experience of negative emotion. The researchers, Alexander Jordan and his colleagues, thought this perpetuates a collective delusion where everyone strives to present an unrealistically happy demeanor to reflect an assumed norm. To determine this, they had students describe recent negative and positive emotional experiences, and found the negative ones, such as arguments and rejections, were more likely to occur in private. These interactions were associated with suppressed emotion. 1 Close friends and partners consistently underestimated others’ negative emotions and overestimated positive ones.
A more recent study replicates and expands on this work and found that people underestimate the prevalence of both others’ negative and positive emotions, with stronger effects for negative, and, in a twist, that people overestimate the intensity of both positive and negative emotions others feel. 2
Not surprisingly, the students most likely to underestimate others’ negative emotions were also most likely to report feelings of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and rumination. This presents a small conundrum since the correlation does not solve for causation. The arrow may run either way.
Significantly, the general finding suggests we often don’t read the room as well as we assume we do and we may feel an internal pressure to present a narrative that does not reflect our experience. Performing happiness disconnects us from our own powerful emotional cues and may disrupt genuine connection with others.
We overestimate others competence and underestimate our own success
We can be equally poor at judging others’ skills and efforts. Sometimes our scan for our relative position can leave us feeling that everyone else is further along.
A study led by Steven Buzinski at UNC found students generally underestimated how much time their peers spent studying for an exam. Interestingly, it was the students who overestimated peer study time who performed worse. Perhaps this effect is fully mediated by feeling unprepared and anxious as a result of thinking everyone else was working harder. 3
Our assessment that everyone else is farther along can actually undermine performance, not just mood.
What Can We Do? | Generosity and Curiosity for Inspiration
I find it encouraging to understand that this is a common human experience. We over- and underestimate predictably flawed patterns. Comparison can demoralize us and reinforce feelings of insufficiency. It can also provide inspiration.
When we feel intimidated, outmatched, and jealous, our approach can move us from malicious envy to encouraging inspiration. Practicing generosity and curiosity opens us up to possibilities. Focus on being excited for the successes of others, and we dismantle our urge to compare. Lead with curiosity, and we discover valuable information in their story that to apply to our own.
Not every conversation is a contest, an assessment of our value, or a final exam, and we build connection and reap inspiration when we remember that.
______
Given the very human urge to shrink under comparison and the very real potential of harvesting inspiration instead, let’s give Analise the story she (and you, and I) deserve:
Analise took a deep breath, considering Charlotte’s question. For a split second, she felt her throat tighten with a shiver of jealous shame. What had she done that could even begin to compete with a multi-million-dollar venture raise and a purpose-driven cascade of donations?
On a second deep breath, she released it. The self-recrimination folded under a wave of well-earned pride. She saw herself in Henry’s frustration and his accomplishment. She remembered late-night study sessions with Charlotte. Her friends were inspiring, so that’s what she felt. Inspired.
“I just signed a contract I’ve been working to secure for 4 months. The work is right on target for the company’s strategic vision, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about getting to work with these ideal clients. Lucrative work I love with great people. Looks like we’ve all got something to celebrate.”
The Powerful, Gentle Art of Enough
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